Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

It's later than it's ever been.

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".