Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

To be or... Line!

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!

The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.