Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.

This family was raised Catholic and I think there are still some members of the family who are practising Catholics, while others are recovering Catholics! That, to me, is a real part of America and we wanted to represent that.

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.