Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...

It's later than it's ever been.