Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

It's later than it's ever been.