Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

18,873 quotes

It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

It's later than it's ever been.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.