Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.