Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

It's later than it's ever been.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.