Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

It's later than it's ever been.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.