Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.