Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.