Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

It's later than it's ever been.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?