Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.