Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.