Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!