Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.

It's later than it's ever been.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!