Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.