Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.