Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

It's later than it's ever been.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.