Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

It's later than it's ever been.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.