Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

To be or... Line!

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...