Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. <br /> Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. <br /> Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. <br /> Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.