Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.