Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.