Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

It's later than it's ever been.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.