Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.