Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

It's later than it's ever been.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"