Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. <br /> Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. <br /> Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. <br /> Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.

It's later than it's ever been.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.