Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

It's later than it's ever been.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.