Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'

Maybe he's my good luck charm.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

To be or... Line!

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.

When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?

No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.