Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Shine. Do. Become. Repeat.

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.