Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...