Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
This family was raised Catholic and I think there are still some members of the family who are practising Catholics, while others are recovering Catholics! That, to me, is a real part of America and we wanted to represent that.
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...