Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

It's later than it's ever been.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.