Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

It's later than it's ever been.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.