Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.

The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.

I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

Like this girl said, after she caught me using her tooth brush. I said Why are you complaining? 30 mins ago you were licking my ass.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.