Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

To be or... Line!

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!