Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

It's later than it's ever been.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!