Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.

No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

I'm always alone. Sad face emoticon.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

The kick of comedy is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.