Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

It's later than it's ever been.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.