Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"