Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.

My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

It's later than it's ever been.

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?