Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

It's later than it's ever been.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.