Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.