Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.

It's later than it's ever been.

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

Shine. Do. Become. Repeat.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.