Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."