Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

It's later than it's ever been.