Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.