Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.