Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'