Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

It's later than it's ever been.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".