Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

It's later than it's ever been.