Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!

My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...

God doesn't hate gay people, he's just mad they found a loophole in the system..."We're just going to bang each other. It's better than all that..neh neh neh neh neh...listen, listen, listen...if I lost a leg would you still love me? You mean from the knee down? You lose a finger nail I'll break up with you. There's no depth to my shallowness."

I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.

It's later than it's ever been.

Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?