Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, "I have a problem with procrastination, too." I said "Really?... Get my sandwich."
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.