Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

It's later than it's ever been.

The bar has been raised for both Chicago teams.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.