Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"