Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 219

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.

It's later than it's ever been.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.