Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 220
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
It's kind of funny how that happened. When I was a child, I had a dream of one day becoming very influential and being in the entertainment world. I really wanted badly for that to happen, and in the last couple of years, my manager told me I was nominated for the group of the Most Influential Vietnamese-American Individuals in the world, along with generals and ambassadors and surgeons. It's an honor. It's mind-boggling. I'm a college dropout; I'm a high school failure, someone who came from a homeless background, but I understand the American pop culture and doing comedy from my heart led me to be in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.
Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.
Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.
A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"
Other rappers diss me. Say my rhymes are sissy. What, what, what, why, why, why? Be more constructive with your feedback.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.