Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 220
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.