Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 220
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.