Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 239
I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."
Being a bigger person, whether you're male or female, in entertainment, it can hurt your chances. Because people look to you to be a so-called superstar. Perfect body, perfect figure, good looking, and smart. And larger people, we have to fit in anywhere we can and the best way we can, so to speak. The way the world looks at you at being perfect, and nobody's perfect.
Oh my god, Jenny McCarthy is the coolest chick. She's the kind of girl you can play volleyball with and she's diggin' it out in the dirt. She's the girl that's playing softball - not worrying about breaking a nail. She's out there breaking nails and diving at second. And then, she's going to out-drink you at the bar.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.