Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 239
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'
We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.
My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he’d get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you’re being watched? He’s be like: “Dad… Dad… Da-” “What? What? What?” He starts crying. My wife goes, “You scared him!” I’m like, “Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!”
Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.
I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.
Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
America is grappling with cultural diversity, and I just want to put a show on that represents the world in which I live.
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”