Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 240

Oh my god, Jenny McCarthy is the coolest chick. She's the kind of girl you can play volleyball with and she's diggin' it out in the dirt. She's the girl that's playing softball - not worrying about breaking a nail. She's out there breaking nails and diving at second. And then, she's going to out-drink you at the bar.

I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!

I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.

Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Ain't nobody get fired, they went in another direction.

My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.