Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 240
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
If you ain't got no job and you ain't smokin no weed, I dont know what the fuck you are doing with yo life.
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."
Relationship are tough. Sex is easy. We take a good idea - sex - and turn it into a bad idea - marriage. Statistically the divorce rate is fifty percent and climbing. The "I just had an orgasm and I didn't like it" rate is holding steady at zero.
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.