Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 240
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?