Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.

Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

When I talk to Steve Martin, he's joyful when he talks about comedy.