Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238

There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Always... no wait... never...

My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.

I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'

There's nothing wrong with trying to reach out to new fans.

My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

Into the mud, scum queen!