Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238
We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.
I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.
When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
I said, 'How would you like to be in one place?' He said, 'What place?' I could have said, 'Des Moines.'