Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238

My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

So, I’m from the South. So I guess that makes me South Korean.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.

People are basically good. We all fall. I have so much faith in humanity. That's why God created forgiveness. For those that don't deserve it. You can't spell beautiful without you.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.

Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.