Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238

People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.

This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.

My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.

But I think the other is a little more like bullfighting, a little more daring and although I appreciate good acting and I liked being versatile my whole career, it kept me working.

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

America is grappling with cultural diversity, and I just want to put a show on that represents the world in which I live.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!