Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 238
In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.
There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.