Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.