Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
Oh my god, Jenny McCarthy is the coolest chick. She's the kind of girl you can play volleyball with and she's diggin' it out in the dirt. She's the girl that's playing softball - not worrying about breaking a nail. She's out there breaking nails and diving at second. And then, she's going to out-drink you at the bar.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"