Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242
My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.