Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.

I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

My father was a doctor.

One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'"

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."