Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242
It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.