Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?
You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.
My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
Peter Hyams - and these are his words, it sounds a little self-serving, sharing them from me - his suggestion was that Gabriel and I could lend a credibility, acting-wise, to an otherwise big, sloppy studio action film.
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.