Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 242

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I, myself, identify myself as a heathen.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!

I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.

Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.