Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 241
Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.
And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.