Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 241
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.