Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 241
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.