Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 241

Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.

I offend everybody.

Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.

And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol.

One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'

The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

You've made a happy man very old.

And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.