Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 263
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!
If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?
Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.