Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 263
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'
That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely that I think he may be my old shop teacher.
Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream things that never were, get distracted, then go out for pancakes.
It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'
You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.