Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 263

That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely that I think he may be my old shop teacher.

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.

Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.