Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 263
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
I think it’s creepy if a guy says, "I would never hit a girl." Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, "I would never crap in a hot tub."
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!"
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.