Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 268
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
My friends like to tell me before they fart like it's important. They get really excited, like I wanna know about it. "Jeez I'm gonna fart." "Don't do it in here ya dickhead there's no windows." Or they tell you after they've done it. "I just farted." But nobody ever tell's you while their doing it. That'd be a bit weird going "I'm farting! (Pause) Still goin'!"
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.