Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 268

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "cunt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".