Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 268
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.