Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 268
I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.
The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'
America, for me, is a philosophical and emotional decision... It’s a flag and an idea. It’s a dream.
Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”