Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.
I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.
I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "cunt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".
That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
My brother got fired for coming late at a night job. How you oversleep 8:30?
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!