Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!"
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.