Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I love black women: burnt black, slave black. I love my woman so black, I just like her to lay in the bed, look like a hole in the sheets.
I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.
I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.