Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267
Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.