Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 267

I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.

My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.

I bought a house. I spent $300,000 for it. Now it’s only worth $100,000. But I owe $500,000. I done refinance my house so many times, I don’t even own the gate.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'