Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'