Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?
Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.