Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."

You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.

I like people watching… Mostly this one woman.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk.