Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?