Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.