Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278

Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.