Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.

Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'