Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 278
Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.
Sanford and Son is more than just a name. It's a condition, a dynasty, an empire. This here is the finest pile of junk of the world.
You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms.
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.