Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279

People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."

King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.