Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279
I thought that was funny, but nobody else did. I was mostly entertaining myself, though. My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching Candid Camera, I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.'
We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.