Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"