Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279

We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.