Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.