Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 279

Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs or the side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I would eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese. Okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigars the size of Cincinnati in the nonsmoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I might suddenly feel the need to. Okay, pal?

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.