Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done.

'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Made the beat then murdered it. Casey Anthony.

People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.