Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.