Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.

I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "cunt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".

People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.

I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.