Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!'
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
One reason to keep going is that the country was given to us as a sacred charge. It is, as Stephen Vincent Benet says in 'the Devil and Daniel Webster,' not the only place that created free men - but its a place that demands that we decide what to do with out freedom. You can only punish yourself, That's the existential view. I don't think there's any reward beyond participating, beyond being here. And the antithesis of reward is punishment, and the only punishment that can come is self-inflicted. I remain optimistic. Whether or not the optimism is justified, I don't know. I want to stay around for the third act.
My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. "I was here dammit!" Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. "Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened."
I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?