Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.