Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 277
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".
On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.