Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 294
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
If you ask your congressman why, he'll say Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie. You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
Here goes all these rumors writin' about me. I see on the paper, one of'em says "Martin tries to jump out of a plane using his jacket as a parachute." Now ain't that some bullshit! As I'm trying to get my life together, they're gonna write that bullshit. I know damn well you can't jump out no plane using your jacket as a parachute. Shit, I know you got to use your pants.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.
There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.