Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 294
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it’s like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That’s what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.
There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.