Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 294
Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?
I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's gone.
I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."
I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"
So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now!"
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” Congratulations, you're ready to have children.
Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch."
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.