Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 293

Life is tough, then you die.

She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?

I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'