Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 295
If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.
There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.
A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.