Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 296
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."
There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.