Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 296

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it’s like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That’s what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, "Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helping me." Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like, "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.