Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 296
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. And they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors... And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth... But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing..."
There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!
If you like strange, specific stuff - that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'Hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' That's a nerd.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.