Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 296
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
So at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie. I bet you're thinking exactly what I was thinking … how did they make that book into a movie?
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.
I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.