Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 296
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.