Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” Congratulations, you're ready to have children.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'