Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole "the pope's infallible" thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. "Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…
So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I just don't want to die alone, that's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it It would be nice to have someone care about me, for who I am, not about my wallet.
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.