Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'