Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297

When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?

Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.

This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…

Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!

There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.