Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"
When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” Congratulations, you're ready to have children.
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.
Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.
Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.