Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.
If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.