Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 297
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I just don't want to die alone, that's all. That's not too much to ask for, is it It would be nice to have someone care about me, for who I am, not about my wallet.
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Cause once someone says "fuck you," there's no comeback. 'Fuck you!' "Fuck me? Yeah, that's right, fuck me."
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!