Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.
This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
During the riots, blacks and Mexicans showed how smart we are. They told us where to go steal shit. We ran to K-Mart, loaded up with shit. Walked out the door. And then we did interviews with evidence in our hands. I'm watching the news going, "Fuck Armando! Put the radio down!"
Well, honey, she's brain dead. Her brain doesn't work anymore.' 'You mean like Uncle Rudy?' 'No, honey, Uncle Rudy's on Thorazine. And Paxil. And marijuana. And merlot.'
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.