Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

You just did a whole read-through. The lie that brought us into war was that Iraq was a threat to us. Well, now it is a threat. Now it is a terrorist hotbed. The fiction is now reality. And now we have to deal with it. It was an attempt at a corporate takeover. This was about oil. It wasn't about human rights. It's not about human rights.

God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.