Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307
This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.