Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.