Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.

It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to inspire people when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

I don't want to overthrow the government. I wanna fire 'em.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.