Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 307
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.
You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.
Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?
I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.
All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.
If I go over there I might have a heart attack when I see he’s dead. If I stay, I might have a heart attack just from the suspense of not knowing. So, whether I stay or I go, I go.
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."