Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315

My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.

Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.