Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.