Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent... We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'
I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.