Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.
I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.