Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 315
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.