Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316
She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.
I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.