Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.
You know what hilarious means? Hilarious means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shi... its so funny that is almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore. Because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair and you're drenched in pee in the gutter. That's how funny hilarious is.