Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.