Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 316
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.
I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.
You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.
I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.
I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.