Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 314
Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.