Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 314

The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do…. Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'

It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, “Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.” And he would just be like, “Gross.”

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!