Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 314

During the riots, blacks and Mexicans showed how smart we are. They told us where to go steal shit. We ran to K-Mart, loaded up with shit. Walked out the door. And then we did interviews with evidence in our hands. I'm watching the news going, "Fuck Armando! Put the radio down!"

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, that's it! End of fucking list!

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.

The most dramatic realization was that in surrender I would find more freedom and power than I'd ever known.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.