Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.
The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."
Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.