Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
A hooker stopped me on the street and told me 'I'll do anything for $50.' I said, 'Paint my house.'
I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast - especially Dave Foley - so I think I did a terrible job.
This friend of mine told me, 'Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I don't want to attract every slob on the street.' That's how cleavage works. It's not a smart bomb. It's not a laser-guided weapon. You might hit your target; there's also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. You're also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: "Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!"
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."