Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
I have more love in me than not, I have more hope in me than not, and I have more faith than I used to. I just want to get out of the way of what I've been given, so I can do it right.
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.
I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!
The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.
Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."