Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.
I have more love in me than not, I have more hope in me than not, and I have more faith than I used to. I just want to get out of the way of what I've been given, so I can do it right.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.
Ladies, you’ve got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify if you’re the shit or not. We’re tired of y’all blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You’ve done got with a nigga and now you talking about, “You fucked up my self esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self esteem! How the fuck can I fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?
Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."