Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.

A female president - maybe they'd start calling it the Ova Office.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'

'I hate to do this, but the organization is going in a different direction,' but that everything I did was fine.