Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.

I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.

There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous.

I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into "gay shape". Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

Instead my life has been like being mashed and mashed through a wine press until finally there will be nothing left but the desire to live by divine will, knowing what I'm really supposed to do and doing it.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.