Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31
In reality, all men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives trying to create a masterpiece.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?
I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'
Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'
I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.
A female president - maybe they'd start calling it the Ova Office.
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.