Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 340
You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is ''what should be.'' Now, if you're taught to live up to a ''what should be'' that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this ''should be'' - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!