Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 340
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
She had a little quirk! A little glitch. We’d get into an argument, I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to... punch me in the face.
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.