Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 346
Black cats don’t worry about going bald. We know we don’t have a lot of options, so we adapt to it pretty fast. Black cat will look in the mirror and say, “I’m bald… can’t be pulling no hair from over here and combing it over there… so I just shave this shit off.” White dudes they fight baldness to the death. I know a white guy with one hair, got it swirled all over his head.
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
It says here that you are a compulsive gambler and that you are wanted by the police. Is this correct?
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.
Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?