Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 346
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.
Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.
I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.
It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stuff I like to do that makes you giggle inside.
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.