Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 346
I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!'
I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.
I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.
I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.
Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.
Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.
You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don't say nothin' 'bout the money. 'Hi, how ya doin'? How's ya mama doing?' Man, how's my money doin'?