Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 346
Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.
It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.