Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 345

If I go over there I might have a heart attack when I see he’s dead. If I stay, I might have a heart attack just from the suspense of not knowing. So, whether I stay or I go, I go.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

Your career and your passion don’t always match up. Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent.

Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.

Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.

You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!