Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 345

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'

Life is a zero sum game.

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.