Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 345
A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.
I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.
Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.
I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.
She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.
It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.
And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.