Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347

Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.

I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.