Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347
You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don't say nothin' 'bout the money. 'Hi, how ya doin'? How's ya mama doing?' Man, how's my money doin'?
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
If you choose jail over church, you either really hate God or you really love butt rape.
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.