Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.
The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.