Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347

My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.