Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 351
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!
What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evel? What were you thinking?' I remember thinking: 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then, my leg cracked in half. Then I was thinking: 'Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?'
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.