Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 351

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

What man? Which man? Whose the man? When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? yes, technically I am.

Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.

My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

As far as gambling, just ask any of the dealers in the Las Vegas casinos and they'll tell you that woman can't play blackjack. They can't add up the cards fast enough.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.