Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 351
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is ''what should be.'' Now, if you're taught to live up to a ''what should be'' that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this ''should be'' - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.