Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.
Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.