Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”
On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.
Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.
It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.
I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.