Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...
Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., "That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish." Never got a dinner!
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
People are condescending, they don't listen, and it's contributed to a really unfortunate anti-intellectualism in this country.
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!
I said I didn't respect religion... and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer. So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. It has been going on for 1,000 years.
I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!