Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.