Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. I think I got lucky, briefly, in the '90s, and it just so happened that those movies were the opportunities that came my way. Then it just kind of stopped.
I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.