Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 359
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
When people didn't know me and I was doing stand-up. That's when I was most creative.
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.
Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.
What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!
Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.