Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 359
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.
I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
It was awkward and embarrassing, but you have to go through things, ... I got through it and I'm happy it's over with and I can move forward and start playing.