Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 359
Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. I think I got lucky, briefly, in the '90s, and it just so happened that those movies were the opportunities that came my way. Then it just kind of stopped.
I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.