Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 359

I just wanted to tell you why I grieve - but why I don’t despair.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!

I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.