Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361

Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Depression can be a mirage.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.

And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.

You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.