Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., "That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish." Never got a dinner!
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.
I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.