Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. I think I got lucky, briefly, in the '90s, and it just so happened that those movies were the opportunities that came my way. Then it just kind of stopped.

I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.