Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
People are condescending, they don't listen, and it's contributed to a really unfortunate anti-intellectualism in this country.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.