Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

You know, a lot of people think that just cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will; but, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.

Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".

When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

The thing about stand-ups is you can't really get good unless you're failing in front of a large number of people. That makes stand-up comedy unique: you need a tremendous amount of reserve within you to take the rejection from the audience, and without it, you can't do anything.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.