Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."
She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.