Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

I'm not a Hollywood guy.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.