Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.

Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.