Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 366

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.

Economy is essential to all good art.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

She reminds me of Roseanne before she was discovered. Darlene has that same clear point of view and a very dry, take-charge kind of attitude.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.