Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 367
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.