Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 367
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.
Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.