Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 367
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.
When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.
That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.