Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369
People are condescending, they don't listen, and it's contributed to a really unfortunate anti-intellectualism in this country.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'
You might be a redneck if you think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.
Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."