Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369
In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.
Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?
Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.