Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.