Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 369
(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.
In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.