Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 370

I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.