Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 370
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.
I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.
I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.
Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?
When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.
I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.