Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 370
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
Hello! Welcome to "Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life." Today we're making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in a kitchen bigger than your whole bloody house!
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.
And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.
There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.