Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 370
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?
When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.
Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know... but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.
I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.
As far as gambling, just ask any of the dealers in the Las Vegas casinos and they'll tell you that woman can't play blackjack. They can't add up the cards fast enough.
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.