Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

I can't vouch for this film, in all honesty.

Today being a stand-up means that you have to throw them a joke, then another and then another and then follow up with some kind of storytelling.

Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."

Four years working in clubs - that's what really made it for me - every night: doing it, doing it, doing it, getting bored and doing different ways, no pressure on you, and all the other comedians are drunken bums who don't show up, so I could try anything.

Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.

That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.