Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368

I can't vouch for this film, in all honesty.

You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"

For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.

My whole act is off the top of my head.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.