Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 368
(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!
Hello! Welcome to "Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life." Today we're making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, in a kitchen bigger than your whole bloody house!
She reminds me of Roseanne before she was discovered. Darlene has that same clear point of view and a very dry, take-charge kind of attitude.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...
Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.
And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.
Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.
You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"
Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.
I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.