Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
If you're a white guy and you're sleeping with a black girl, there's only one way you know if you're putting it down like you should. Don't listen to 'Oh, you're the biggest. You're the best.' Don't listen to that -- she says that to everybody. Don't listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sex, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her ass forget you're white, that's when you know you're putting it down.
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.