Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cuz goin' to outer space - that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...
She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.