Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sayo's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sayo's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."
You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."
Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.
I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"