Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sayo's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sayo's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."
You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.
She had a little quirk! A little glitch. We’d get into an argument, I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to... punch me in the face.
People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”
For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.
I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.