Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.

I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.

To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Depression can be a mirage.

People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.