Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374
A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
It takes 15,000 nuts to hold a car together, but only one to spread it all over the highway.
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.
You know what hilarious means? Hilarious means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shi... its so funny that is almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore. Because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair and you're drenched in pee in the gutter. That's how funny hilarious is.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.
This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.