Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.
If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.
You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.
I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.