Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Dammit, I can never do nothing!

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

Incidentally, I'm still looking for acting work, my first love.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.