Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 373
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.
You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."
Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.
If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.