Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 373

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

I mean, I look at my dad. He was twenty when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that.

In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.

Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, "Adam - uh, don't kiss guys."

This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.

Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.