Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 375

Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!

Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.'