Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 375

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

People are condescending, they don't listen, and it's contributed to a really unfortunate anti-intellectualism in this country.

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

I'm an introspective dude.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.