Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 375
From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!
They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.