Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 384
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.