Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 384
Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'
Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.
You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.