Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 384

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.