Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 384
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?
I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Bret, you got it goin' on! "Got it goin' on!" Not in a gay way but in a hey-your-lookin'-ok-man!