Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 383
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...."
Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.
Georgia was a great place to live, but I wanted to get out because I knew the opportunities for what I was doing - stand-up comedy and eventually acting - were in Los Angeles.
Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.
For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you’d know the conversation went something like this: “Naw, hell no, don’t go in there, that little dog’s a setup.” “I ain’t lyin’, ask Joe what happened to him!”