Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 383

There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'

It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.

As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.