Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 388

I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

I noticed you all were French, opposite of bonjour to you.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a winner!

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?