Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 388
What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.
As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.
I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And it sounds cynical because you guys are young and you're full with life. I want you to understand - this is it. You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking. If you're not having fun now, kill yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, just - it's not worth it to go forward.
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery twice. That would be awesome. Getting a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." That would be awesome! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!