Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389
I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.
If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.
I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do.
Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, this keeps all your food cold for 600... You've got this refrigerator, this keeps all your food cold for 800... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold."
The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.