Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.
It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
I've always gotten myself overly involved in supporting other women who've not always been as supportive in return.
The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you’re talented.
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!