Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.
I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?