Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389

I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.

'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.

I was lying, of course: that's what parents do best.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigger said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!

You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'