Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 389

It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open.''

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

I remember every one of your insulting jokes... I use them later.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.

The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.