Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 390
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.
What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
There are a couple of images I really love in this movie. One is crossing into Pakistan illegally to see a group of guys who ordinarily you'd think would want to kill you, but they want to be stand-up comedians.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.