Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 390

I'm always a big fan of if you approach somebody politely about something and you're not a nudge - you're just pretty honest and simple, my kind of philosophy is that I'm not afraid of 'no,' and that's way different than 'I won't take no for an answer.'

She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge Oh-No-No! She also doesn't care about Blu-ray?!

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.

They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?

I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage.