Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 391
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
Gay men, if they've been straight and turn gay, they're gay, honey.
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
When people didn't know me and I was doing stand-up. That's when I was most creative.
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.
You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.
Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?