Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 391
It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.
And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.
You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'