Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 391

He missed a shot and got frustrated and accidentally hit himself on the head with his own putter and needed stitches on the course. It was hysterical. He continued playing. He didn't get hurt. It wasn't serious.

People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.