Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 400
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.
When I started off in DC, you didn’t get viral first. You got funny first.
The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.