Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 400
Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.
Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?
In the locker room. Some dude is staying a conversation with me. "Hey not while you're drying your nutsack".
Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.
I was the voice of Bobby. So while I was doing the show, I was also a father. It did reflect how I tried to handle things in my own home.
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you’re talented.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?