Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 415
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.
I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.
We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.
Is it weird being a twin city? Do you sometimes know exactly what the other city's thinking?
I've sworn all my life. I'd swear all the time and I think it's rather good language. People say it's limited vocabulary that makes you swear well I don't think so. Cause my vocabulary I know at least ohh one hundred and twenty seven words. And I still prefer fuck. You see I've never found the English equivalent for fuck off. And it isn't 'go away'. Cause go away kind of dissipates doesn't it? Go awayyyyyy. Go awayyyyyy, shooooo. Shooooo. It's not conscious like FUCK OFF! It always works you know. And you never read, fuck off he hinted.
For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you’d know the conversation went something like this: “Naw, hell no, don’t go in there, that little dog’s a setup.” “I ain’t lyin’, ask Joe what happened to him!”
I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.