Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 415
They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.
There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.