Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 415

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

I hate to judge everybody across the board.

We're hoping that this will also be the key to starting community events in a place where the whole community can come together. We've been working with the town on the total renovation.

As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.