Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 416
Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.
Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.
Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.
Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.