Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 416
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'
The one thing an audience always has in common with a comedian is troubles. The Yiddish word for that is tsuris. You're always putting your tsuris on stage whether you like it or not. No one is untroubled, unless they're just, you know, an imbecile.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
When I was a kid, I wanted to walk with my dad's limp - my dad was my hero - but that infuriated him, and he would make me walk back and forth in the living room until I walked without it.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.